Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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