So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
