He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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