I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
