recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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