I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
