I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's the barista slut.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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