I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
