She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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