I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
