you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
