my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
