no, he came in my armpit
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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