got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
