you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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