News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
