he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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