Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
