Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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