You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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