The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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