but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
