is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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