U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
