There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
