I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
