We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
