I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The adults are the big ones right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize