Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
