My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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