i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize