I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
