I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize