there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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