My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
