you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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