I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
