The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
