end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
