On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
