Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
