he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize