I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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