Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
pray to the hookup gods
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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