im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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