Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
