my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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