drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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