The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
