Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
