Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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