please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Be still, my beating vagina.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
