this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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