I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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