I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
