She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I want her autograph on my taint
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
